a heavy spirit

Tonight I read about a girl I have never met. My friend, Lori, had mentioned the name Ramey to me awhile back and we talked about this young wife & mother who had cancer. Ramey went to the same school as Lori, BJ & I (and a million other of our awesome friends!)–Liberty University. It was one of those things that you think about (in regards to her being sick) and then don’t–you know what I mean? I believe I honestly must’ve just assumed God was going to heal her. God’s healing ways aren’t always like ours are they?

If you can please check out a couple of sites to know more about her: one by her husband is www.prayforramey.com and the other is on our friend Kelly’s blog. It was just one of those nights where I stared at the computer, listening to Ramey praise the Lord on a recording she’d done, and thought about the fact that she had died just yesterday.

Then when I read her son’s name…Judah. Well, my heart just broke. It’s funny how something can immediately make you feel connected to someone. I wonder for how long in my life will God prompt me to pray for her Judah because of my own Judah?? And of course, like any normal human, I started thinking about me dying, or BJ, or one of my children.

I was brought back to a conversation I had with some Kansas City Youth for Christ leaders I deeply respected and admired as Christian men. We were on the subject of death and they shared with me if they had to choose between one of them dying or their own wife, they would choose for their wife to die. I was shocked–and disgusted! How selfish?? Are you kidding me? I thought you were Godly men?! Then they went onto explain.

They were so confident of one another’s love for the other, the depth and the pain that would be felt by the losing of their spouse–they would rather their wife die and them suffer the loss of life without her than she having to go through it. Taking on the burden. Sound familiar?

That conversation years ago helped me analyze the heaviness I felt for their son, Judah, tonight. I want him to have his mommy. Not not have to learn amazing lessons through loss. To feel safe. A million other things. I started thinking of my own children. I’m not prideful–but they need me. I am their everything right now. It won’t always be this way, but it is now. I explained to Bj that as horrible as it sounds–and it does sound horrible–I would rather God take one of my children from me then have them go through the loss of losing BJ or I. Even as I’m typing it–it sounds awful. But please know my heart. And know what I wish I would’ve understood about those Godly men years ago. The desire is actually to shield them from pain, not be selfish.

And I’m thinking about God. And his Son, who came to bear our pain. God chose to watch his own son bear the burden of the world in order to save US–the world–from future pain. He, as a Father, chose the most selfless thing I could ever imagine. All because…He loves us.

He loves us, oh how he loves us, oh how he loves us, oh how he loves us.

John Mark McMillan

Does the depth of His LOVE for you resonate through your soul? Your Creator, the Author of time, He CHOSE you. He suffered. He watched His son suffer. All because He put himself aside to save a lost and dying world…all because of love.

Please take a little time to pray for Ramey’s family.  Her husband John & son Judah, 7, her parents & sister.

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