a detached soul

The other day I was on the phone with my best friend, Chrissy. If there is anyone who truly “gets” me, who knows the ins & outs of me, it’s her. I’ve never felt ashamed to share my struggles as a person, a wife, or a mother with her. The path of motherhood has only strengthened this bond we are both so thankful for. She’s an amazing mom & no doubt her children will “rise & called her blessed.” Isn’t this what we all want? I’ve posted about it before–the greatest desire of mine to be the best mom I can be to the little ones entrusted to my care.

But lately, a long lately, I’ve felt something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then while reading the book I’ve quoted before, Home-Making, the phrase jumped out of the pages and pierced my heart–the reference was made to the tragedy of being “detached from your child’s soul.”

Whoa.

I’m totally ashamed to be admitting this, but it’s exactly how I’ve felt. I know these three kiddos in my house, but do I know their soul’s?? One of our speakers at camp said he wants his son to know the backside of his soul? Do my children know my soul? I’ve detached myself. I could blame it on a million things. I know it started getting overwhelming when Zoe & Judah were so close together but it was more like when they were 2 & 3. Then my pregnancy with Shiloh just sort of sent me over the edge (meaning there was much TV watching, many feelings of being overwhelmed, many days of going to sleep feeling like a total failure._

And now, I just don’t feel like I’ve ever really got that back (the soul-knowing) with Zoe & Judah. I don’t think it’s missing with Shi, but for some reason, it is with them. I tend to push away doing little things with them, walks, projects, reading because of a million stupid things that “overwhelm” me.

Something has got to change.

Please, someone tell me you’ve been there, too. I can’t be alone, can I?? No, I know I’m not. I’ve had this conversation with another precious friend of mine on a recent flea market trip (away from our children…) What hope do I have that this year will be a better year? An upcoming move. The beginning of homeschooling. A new baby on the way. Life is not going to slow down. Did I think it would? I’m convinced this thing of “holding out” for something has been misguided.

I’m holding out for:

  • more time
  • more money
  • more space
  • more time
  • more direction
  • more organization
  • more time

Then I read this today:

Jesus, the Example
Heb. 12:1-2 1 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance (burden, heavy load) and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

or even better from the Message

1-3Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Now that calls for a big fat AMEN!

Again, I’m trying to do it all in my own strength. Can we just have a little “hold me Jesus” moment, thank you Rich Mullins…

“Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really want
Than to take what you give that I need”

Well, I feel better now. There’s a little bit of “fresh honesty” from the mouth of me. I feel like a loser, like I’ve totally failed as a mom (and I’m really not looking for any “you’re a great mom” comments. If you’re a mom, you know where I’m coming from). But the point isn’t my failure–it’s the JOY set before me. The prize I’m running toward as a follower of Christ. I’m feeling a little “stripped down”–how about you??

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10 thoughts on “a detached soul

  1. i never knew how close to you i would feel until i had two kids close together just like you. i have been feeling the same way with abigail and i have really enjoyed denny kenaston’s sermons i just finished “the rod is love” and his words were soo true and so convicting. i felt like i was giving her a break by not disciplining her the first time she didnt do what i asked, but the end result was still discipline just in frustration instead of love, he says that as soon as you yell or speak out in frustration to your child a wall goes up and then you have to work to get it down. i feel like i am doing that right now, but check them out they are so helpful. love ya

  2. I do want to listen to his sermons sometime. They are in a long list of mine of amazing books/messages to listen to. All though I totally agree about first time obedience (it’s been what we’ve strived to do from the very beginning) I really feel like this “wall” has been a me issue. I have spoken out of frustration with them and there have been times when what the above said was true, but this really goes so much deeper than that (in my opinion). I have still been disciplining–both of us have–but ENJOYING and LOVING to the extreme, no. I think we’ve got to be careful to not just ere on the discipline side, if that makes sense. Somewhere along the way, I have stopped giving of myself to them. Doing what was best for me, putting them off because of feeling overwhelmed, etc. Does that make sense? I do appreciate your honesty about your struggles. There are many things I’m sure we’ll both deal with because of such a similar age gap.

  3. That is how I have felt towards the Lord – for a while now. Even though I pray and read His word, I usually still feel detached from Him. I know it’s me and my heart and my priorities that are the problem and I keep waiting for the same things you are waiting for.
    (more time
    more money
    more space
    more direction
    more organization
    definitely – more time!)
    “If only I didn’t work full time and commute so far…”
    And I feel the same way – a failure as a daughter, as a Christian.

  4. Oh, and I know God doesn’t want me to feel Guilt over this, just for me to know that I am missing out on so much in a close relationship with Him. I keep forgetting that! Need to rearrange my thinking. I am tired of the guilt!
    Like you said:

    “But the point isn’t my failure–it’s the JOY set before me. The prize I’m running toward as a follower of Christ.”

  5. i actually wasnt analyzing your situation for once!! i know big surprise, just a little blurb blog for myself, and my own situation. love you and your family. the emotion behind my unemotionless typing is not frustration:)

  6. i have been feeling so convicted just in the past couple of days of not spending time with my sweet little girls. i really only have a couple of weeks left until this baby is born and then i know it will be much harder. i keep saying how tired i am and trying to justify it but it definitely is due to my selfishness. molly has been a challenge lately and i feel like i am only yelling at her and not taking time to enjoy her sweet,sweet heart. i feel like she is getting lost in the shuffle of our life.
    i was looking at ramey’s myspace page and she had a blog entry from july 12,2007:
    I want to tell someone about Jesus today.
    i want to be so filled with Joy that people see it radiating off of me.
    i want to be the best mommy for my darling judah,,,,to play in the dirt, to play army men, to color together.

    i want to be an amazing wife to the love of my life, johnny, to serve him with love, even when i dont feel like it. i have been given a free gift, to share with all, and i dont want to waste one second of my life!!!!!!——Ramey.

    wow!! she had NO idea that almost a year to the day she wrote that that she would be in heaven. the Lord has definitely been speaking to me lately about this. i am so convicted by this and i want to do something about it. i am thankful for all of these reminders and i CAN NOT blame it on my pregnancy hormones or being tired anymore. my sweet girls are growing up every minute and i’m missing it.

  7. Aubin, I want to make a few comments/observations from the standpoint of a grown daughter. My mom gets me. She knows my soul and I know hers. When I really reflect on why it’s not because of awesome times of playing when I was a kid (although we had those) or even really deep conversations (although we’ve had many of those as well). I can honestly say that the main reason my mom gets me is because she is (and has always been) my biggest prayer warrior. She intercedes for me. She beseeches God on my behalf daily. God has given her the deepest insights into my soul because she has been faithful to ask for them. I guess I say all of this to you to encourage you. I don’t know about more time, space, direction, etc. You may never have those BUT God knows your heart. Even aside from all those things He knows your desire for connectedness with your children and can give that to you despite all that you lack. He knows them better than you ever will and He will delight in teaching you about them so you can better raise them.

    I can also say that as a new mom, I’m already struggling with those feelings of inadequacy. The guilt over moments lost admist the craziness of life and what I think is “important.” Take comfort, I’m praying for you.

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